How to Get the XFiles Back into Primetime
by Artemis1088
Summary: Our pitches to the networks for the next fall lineup. Warning: stupidfic


How To Get The X-Files Back Into Prime Time . . .  
  
by kat and nat  
  
SUMMARY: What will happen to all these characters without TXF, or at this rate, not even a movie? Some potential ideas for studios. Ok, ok, everything else was just an excuse to actually get to type "Skinner, P.I."  
  
RATING: PG  
  
DISCLAIMER: We don't own a damn thing.  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: This has been an ongoing stupid little joke since the end of the show, between Nat and I after we've been up too late IM'ing each other. In other words, it's probably only funny between the hours of 2-3 am. Sorry if it sucks!  
  
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The X-View  
  
ABC M-F, 9 am  
  
ABC recently did an overhaul of the daytime women's talk show, "The View." Dana Scully has replaced Star Jones, Marita Covarubias replaced Meredith Viera, Monica Reyes replaced Joy Behar, Cloned Samantha Mulder replaced Debbie Matinopolis/ Lisa Ling, and Diana Fowley has replaced Barbara Walters. Tune in every weekday to hear: Scully explain all the world events "through the lens of science" and "as a doctor," Samantha Clone's innocent confusion about the news, Monica asking every guest "Are you a dog or cat person," and Fowley's interpretation of current events through the eyes of a senior citizen.  
  
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Blossom  
  
NBC Monday, 8-8:30 pm  
  
Family oriented sitcom about the misadventures of a teenage Blossom (Samantha Mulder) in a house full of men: her father, CGB Spender and brothers, Fox and Jeffrey.  
  
Pilot: Hilarity ensues when Blossom gets her period and her dad tries to suavely purchase tampons and Morleys. Special guest star: Ed Asner as the cashier.  
  
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Foxy the Vampire Slayer  
  
UPN Tuesday, 8-9 pm  
  
In every generation there is a chosen one, and then there's a 40ish, paranoid type of guy who sort of volunteers. After getting a taste of staking in "Bad Blood," Fox Mulder moves to Sunnydale to join in the hunt for the undead and other demons.  
  
Pilot: Mulder and Buffy bond over anecdotes of dating vampires, but will Buffy feel betrayed when she finds out that Mulder's "vampire" Kristin Kilar was in fact just a "wannabe" vampire?  
  
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Skinner, P.I.  
  
FOX Tuesday, 10-11 pm  
  
After the events in "The Truth," Skinner found himself called out onto the carpet in Deputy Director Kirsh's office. But instead of getting fired, he was reassigned to. . . MAUI! It's sun, fun, and red scalps as everyone's favorite AD foils bad guys when he's not getting lei'd. Skinner even dons a new look: Hawaiian shirts and gold chains. Expect your favorite X-File bad boys like Krychek, X, and Frohike in recurring roles.  
  
Pilot: Skinner meets a young woman whose ex boyfriend is a drug dealer smuggling Tylenol with more codeine than the FDA approved into the country.  
  
Can Skinner get there in time (on his speedboat) to thwart the drug dealer's plans?  
  
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Smokey's Angels  
  
WB Wednesday, 9-10 pm  
  
CSM just could never get a break as the chain-smoking conspirator on the X- Files. But now he's assembled a team of women to help him fight the good fight, and kick some butt while wearing hot pants, as he watches from a discrete distance of course. His "Angels" are Dana Scully, Diana Fowley, and Marita Covarubias. Frohike co-stars as the lovable Bosley.  
  
Pilot: CSM sends his angels and Bosley undercover at a woman's prison to uncover an illegal jello-wrestling ring. Will Bosley be convincing as a woman?  
  
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Three's a Conspiracy  
  
UPN Wednesday, 9-10 pm  
  
Poor Mulder! When renovations to their respective apartments force Scully and Fowley to move in, what's a single middle-aged man to do? Pretend to be gay of course! Best friend Larry, portrayed very convincingly by Alex Krychek, fits the bill and the ensuing situation comedy is a laugh a minute! Will Mulder's landlord, the Well-Manicured Man, ever find out the truth?  
  
Pilot: MEOW! The claws come out when Scully and Fowley fight over Mulder. With Larry's help, Mulder has found a way to stop the fighting-but how long can he keep up the act?  
  
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Enemies  
  
NBC Thursday, 8:30-9 pm  
  
The mysterious men behind the conspiracy move their operation to an apartment in Greenwich Village and craziness ensues. Follow the weekly exploits of your favorite friends, uh, enemies: Cigarette Smoking Man, the Toothpick Man, the Well Manicured Man, the Elder, and other familiar, although nameless, wizened faces.  
  
Pilot: These eldery men meet up in a coffee house and chat about their current conspiracy over lattes and muffins. The Toothpick Man tries to get an acting gig. Cigarette Smoking Man confesses to his friends his love for the unattainable Teena.  
  
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Mulder in Charge  
  
ABC Thursday 9:30-10 pm  
  
When Mulder goes back to school, as a professor in psychology, he finds the cost of living around UCLA a little more than he was used to in Virginia. He is forced to play house dad to a frat house of crazy frat brothers and the even wilder sorority girls who hang out there. Can Mulder 'hang'? Or is this former FBI agent too old school?  
  
Pilot: Mulder moves to Los Angeles, only to find that it may not have been one of his best ideas. He hits the sidewalk to find an apartment . . .  
  
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CSI: Vancouver  
  
CBS Thursday, 10-11 pm  
  
Chuck Burke, former FBI Agents Scully and Pendrell (resurrected from the dead), and Danny (only appears off camera however) join the Vancouver police in this spinoff of the CBS hit, CSI.  
  
Pilot: Two people are found dead after it rains 400 inches. The coroner writes it off as an accidental drowning. Can Scully and the rest of CSI: Vancouver prove it was foul play?  
  
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My Two Dads  
  
NBC Friday 8:00-8:30 pm  
  
Catch all the crazy hijinks as two former State Department employees and on- again, off-again conspiracists raise their wayward, rebellious 45-year-old son in their studio apartment.  
  
Pilot: Mulder is teased at the FBI when both his dads, CGB Spender and Bill Mulder, separately remember he forgot his lunch and bring it to him.  
  
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Queequeg Quoo, Where Are You?! (Animated)  
  
Cartoon Network, Saturday 11 am  
  
Follows the weekly adventures of the Queequeg Gang: Fox and Dana, Monica, John, and of course, little Queequeg, as they drive around looking for mysteries in the Mystery Taurus.  
  
Pilot: Dana gets abducted and Queequeg is lost in a swamp.  
  
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Conspiracy, She Wrote  
  
CBS Saturday, 8-9 pm  
  
Jessica teams up with an old pal, Teena Mulder, to solve capers around Martha's Vineyard. Occasional cameo from Teena's son, Fox, and a May Sweeps Crossover with "Diagnosis Murder" star Dick Van Dyke.  
  
Pilot: Jessica and Teena go to a murder mystery dinner theater but is a real murder the main course?  
  
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The A Files  
  
Fox Sunday, 9-10  
  
Doggett and Reyes finally find their vindication when they open the "A files" and find the answers to all of the x files. Now produced by Jerry Bruckheimer, the show is shot in Las Vegas and the producer promises lots of amber desert shots and more explosions and car chases than anything else on television.  
  
Pilot: Doggett and Reyes discover the "A files" when cleaning out the X- Files office. Upon reading the first one, this episode revolves around what really happened to Billy Miles, complete with a car chase through the desert.  
  
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